California Dreamin'

                Queue the Mission Impossible Theme Song.

                I’m going to California. On purpose. On vacation even. San Diego. I hear the weather’s nice there.

                I’m aware of the dangers, of course, but there is something irresistible about the adrenalin rush I’m expecting from slipping into enemy territory. I’ve been practicing by going to Boulder, CO, a couple times a month.

                I eat lunch there. Often in my car. Listening to Rush Limbaugh.

                I have promised my wife that I will bite my tongue and stay silent no matter what I hear or observe. It will be difficult, but I have no desire to encounter the shrieking maniacs I’ve seen on Facebook and I really do not wish for either my wife or I to be beaten with baseball bats or set on fire for being republicans and wanting lower taxes and other radical stuff.  Now they’re even shooting at us and since we are flying and I will be unarmed that also concerns me.

                I am excited though, to observe liberals in their natural habitat. I want to try and get a flavor for why taking things that don’t belong to you and giving them to people who did nothing for them has so much appeal with the sea breeze in your face.

                We probably won’t be able to stomach taking in any plays or acts where republican presidents get stabbed to death or beheaded but I’m excited for other things. I want to see a killer whale one more time while you can still see them in captivity. I’ve seen them in the wild too and that is also awesome but they don’t do as many tricks.

                I want to drink a margarita at sunset and watch the sun disappear into the ocean. I’m excited to hang out at the beach—they kind of have a corner on that. And I’m excited to go to a Padres game—mostly to see Petco Park, certainly not to watch a very bad baseball team—although I hear baseball is sort of a trigger for liberals. (I am sorry. That was tasteless and I know a lot of people will yell at me for it and I really am trying to care.)

                I’m also planning a social experiment. I’m taking my Make America Great Again hat. Not to wear, are you crazy? I’m going to carry it in a plain brown paper bag onto the University of California at San Diego or the San Diego State University campus (see how I’m making it confusing for the liberals who want to lay in wait to murder me?) and I’m going to sneak the hat on to a park bench on campus.

                Then I’m going to stand at a distance and video passersby with my phone through a hole in my pocket. I am curious to see if they will attack the hat with whatever weapons are handy and possibly even set the bench on fire or if they will run screaming for their mommies looking for their safe spaces on campus because the idea of a great America is so frightening to them.

                You can see why I am excited.

                I do actually have a couple of conservative friends who live in California of their own free will. Well, sort of, in both cases there is a woman involved. So I know it is possible to go unnoticed as a conservative in California although it seems a lot like being in Iran and hiding the fact you’re a Christian so that you don’t get beheaded by a Persian version of Kathy Griffin.

                I am taking steps to blend in. In addition to my main disguise—a Groucho Marx nose and mustache with thick-brimmed black glasses attached—I have had a T-shirt made that says “No on 64!”

I will wear it on the day we expect to be in the largest crowds.

                While the rest of the nation was worrying about things like the presidential election, Californians were so sure their gal had it in the bag because their media assured them it was so—and those guys always get it right and tell the truth—that they were able to focus on weightier local issues like Proposition 64.

                Prop 64 asked the good citizens of California to decide if porn stars should have to wear condoms or not while they are…working. It was defeated 56%-44%, thus saving Nevada from becoming the new cradle of pornographic film production.

                I am a bit stunned that the second biggest nanny state in the country (c’mon, New York is the biggest) missed an opportunity to dictate safety to an entire class of people, albeit slimy people.

 

               What’s next, optional bike helmets?

                Of course not, I was just kidding.

                Wouldn’t you think they’d want porn stars—representatives of the WWF of sex--to be setting good examples for their kid’s sexual habits and choices? (Sexual choices are a really big deal in California.)

                What’s that? California kids don’t watch porn? Oh, of course they don’t.

                Also we’re renting a Prius. We thought it was prudent.

                Wish us luck.

                Probably no post next week as we return late and will be anxious to get back to work. Or something. We mostly just hope we escape.