California Dreamin'

                Queue the Mission Impossible Theme Song.

                I’m going to California. On purpose. On vacation even. San Diego. I hear the weather’s nice there.

                I’m aware of the dangers, of course, but there is something irresistible about the adrenalin rush I’m expecting from slipping into enemy territory. I’ve been practicing by going to Boulder, CO, a couple times a month.

                I eat lunch there. Often in my car. Listening to Rush Limbaugh.

                I have promised my wife that I will bite my tongue and stay silent no matter what I hear or observe. It will be difficult, but I have no desire to encounter the shrieking maniacs I’ve seen on Facebook and I really do not wish for either my wife or I to be beaten with baseball bats or set on fire for being republicans and wanting lower taxes and other radical stuff.  Now they’re even shooting at us and since we are flying and I will be unarmed that also concerns me.

                I am excited though, to observe liberals in their natural habitat. I want to try and get a flavor for why taking things that don’t belong to you and giving them to people who did nothing for them has so much appeal with the sea breeze in your face.

                We probably won’t be able to stomach taking in any plays or acts where republican presidents get stabbed to death or beheaded but I’m excited for other things. I want to see a killer whale one more time while you can still see them in captivity. I’ve seen them in the wild too and that is also awesome but they don’t do as many tricks.

                I want to drink a margarita at sunset and watch the sun disappear into the ocean. I’m excited to hang out at the beach—they kind of have a corner on that. And I’m excited to go to a Padres game—mostly to see Petco Park, certainly not to watch a very bad baseball team—although I hear baseball is sort of a trigger for liberals. (I am sorry. That was tasteless and I know a lot of people will yell at me for it and I really am trying to care.)

                I’m also planning a social experiment. I’m taking my Make America Great Again hat. Not to wear, are you crazy? I’m going to carry it in a plain brown paper bag onto the University of California at San Diego or the San Diego State University campus (see how I’m making it confusing for the liberals who want to lay in wait to murder me?) and I’m going to sneak the hat on to a park bench on campus.

                Then I’m going to stand at a distance and video passersby with my phone through a hole in my pocket. I am curious to see if they will attack the hat with whatever weapons are handy and possibly even set the bench on fire or if they will run screaming for their mommies looking for their safe spaces on campus because the idea of a great America is so frightening to them.

                You can see why I am excited.

                I do actually have a couple of conservative friends who live in California of their own free will. Well, sort of, in both cases there is a woman involved. So I know it is possible to go unnoticed as a conservative in California although it seems a lot like being in Iran and hiding the fact you’re a Christian so that you don’t get beheaded by a Persian version of Kathy Griffin.

                I am taking steps to blend in. In addition to my main disguise—a Groucho Marx nose and mustache with thick-brimmed black glasses attached—I have had a T-shirt made that says “No on 64!”

I will wear it on the day we expect to be in the largest crowds.

                While the rest of the nation was worrying about things like the presidential election, Californians were so sure their gal had it in the bag because their media assured them it was so—and those guys always get it right and tell the truth—that they were able to focus on weightier local issues like Proposition 64.

                Prop 64 asked the good citizens of California to decide if porn stars should have to wear condoms or not while they are…working. It was defeated 56%-44%, thus saving Nevada from becoming the new cradle of pornographic film production.

                I am a bit stunned that the second biggest nanny state in the country (c’mon, New York is the biggest) missed an opportunity to dictate safety to an entire class of people, albeit slimy people.

 

               What’s next, optional bike helmets?

                Of course not, I was just kidding.

                Wouldn’t you think they’d want porn stars—representatives of the WWF of sex--to be setting good examples for their kid’s sexual habits and choices? (Sexual choices are a really big deal in California.)

                What’s that? California kids don’t watch porn? Oh, of course they don’t.

                Also we’re renting a Prius. We thought it was prudent.

                Wish us luck.

                Probably no post next week as we return late and will be anxious to get back to work. Or something. We mostly just hope we escape.

 

Things Are Warming Up

                Watching current events today is like drinking from a fire hose, isn’t it? What is the left losing their minds about this morning? Turn on CNN and see! (Like some of your medications, this is best done on an empty stomach.)

                Shall we talk about James Comey? That shiver of a man looking for a spine to run up (kudos to Paul Keating for the quote I horribly bastardized).

 Or the President’s proposed travel restrictions on folks from terrorist countries? Those folks from lands filled with people who hate us and want to kill us who are now going to hate us and want to kill us because we may try and make sure they don’t hate us and want to kill us before we let them in? I actually heard one of the liberals I genuinely love (there are 13 of them) make that argument on my patio last weekend.

Or maybe the super exciting Russian collusion investigation that has yet to turn up a single piece of evidence of anything that matters in any imaginable reality including Diane Feinstein’s? Better you just wake me up when that nonsense is over.

Ok, how about President Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris Accord thus ending life as we know it and causing the sky to fall upon our heads?  Well, not yet, but you might not want to miss the 10 o’clock news.

So is there an issue that will light up the left faster than Global Warming? I love when people snort down their noses and roll their eyes in disgust when anyone even dares to question the things that noted meteorologist Al Gore has told them about climate change. That is such a compelling argument, I don’t know how I can resist their logic. There’s a consensus you know.

Well, only among scientists receiving government grants to study global warming but figures lie and liars figure, as they say.

For what it’s worth I think there are strong arguments for both sides, and I think no matter which side you’re on you have to accept that the climate is changing.  Has been for billions of years.

And this former journalist and career wholesale flooring salesman is not going to waste your time trying to convince you I understand the science thoroughly enough to argue either side…which is what separates me from Julie Pace at the Associated Press. But I would like to expound for a bit on The Paris Accord, if you’ll indulge me.

I don’t think it could more clearly be about the money folks.  I just don’t. Like the U.N., NATO, and the sucker deal we signed to make some Mexicans and Canadians rich called NAFTA, I think The Paris Accord was just another excuse to let America pay for the rest of the world’s projects.

The Paris Accord was only an accord in the United States. It was a treaty in the other 103 (or 106—the number seems to vary) countries who signed on. It was an accord here because in our system, much to BHO’s chagrin, we do not have a king and to enter the United States into a treaty with foreign nations requires the approval of the Senate. 

That would not only not happen today, Barry The Magnificent knew it wouldn’t happen when he was hanging out with JayZ and Beyonce being the coolest cat to ever trip the light fantastic in the West Wing. That's why it only has his signature on it.  Ah, the good old days.

The other nations who are bound by treaty (to varying extents depending on each country’s laws) to the Paris Treaty are P-I-S-S-E-D at us.  Really, really, snot-storming mad. On accounta’ now they are going to have to pay for Al Gore’s pipe dream if they are genuinely concerned and not just play acting to shame us back into opening our checkbook to finance the deal.

India, one of the most filthy nations on the planet by far, which would have to pay a bunch toward keeping the sky in the sky one would think, is one of the nations most angry with us. They were anticipating raking in $2.5 trillion over the next several years as a result of their participation in the deal according to those lying bastards on Fox News.

Whose money do you think that would have been mostly? Do you think a nation with a Post-Obama debt of nearly $20 trillion can afford to give 2.5 trillion to India so they can cover their sewers no matter how dire the world looks to Chicken Little?

And France. Well, France is pissed at us as usual. I guess if they get too nasty we can always send in The Girl Scouts to kick their ass. Germany too. Angela Merkel doesn’t think she can trust us anymore but I’ll bet she would suddenly be a lot nicer if we decided to withdraw our military bases from the sacred birthplace of good beer.

Lots of folks who were counting on another payday from the US ATM machine are angry. Oh well. As reprehensible as it is to the left, America first folks.

That’s what we voted in. You lost. Go ahead and be upset. Run Oprah in 2020 and right your ship. But right now, it’s America first.

Lest you think I believe we should ignore pollution and degradation of the planet, I emphatically and absolutely DO NOT, but I still see that as a separate issue from the Make Al Gore Rich Game Show also known as Global Warming.  We absolutely have an obligation and a responsibility to ourselves and the world to continue to try and clean up our part of the planet.

If someone will distract Nancy Pelosi for a moment with a ceiling fan or some bright lights (“dirty air, dirty water, squaaawwwwkkkk.”) we want to continue to battle pollution with the same fervor that, without making climate Unicef donations all around the world, caused us to already reduce our greenhouse gas emissions domestically by 18% in the last decade (didn’t scrawl down the source, sorry, I was driving).

This will come as quite a shock to those on the left who believe we conservatives prefer our children medium-rare, but we don’t want to leave a crappy, gross, China-like planet (they did not sign up for the $ For Al Treaty, by the way) for them to choke on.

Unlike the left, lots of us believe in America. Lots of us believe that if viable and sustainable renewable energy sources are ever developed they are more likely to come from us than anywhere else on the planet.

Are we perfect at containing pollution? Are we the cleanest country in the world? No, not by a longshot.

But are we leaders in the fight against pollution and for a cleaner and healthier environment? You bet your derriere we are and will continue to be. We just don’t see the need to redistribute the world’s wealth through a wretched plan so that we can no longer afford to lead or even clean up our own backyard, whether the science is valid or not.

More some other time on the number of eagles those ugly, inefficient, highly subsidized windmill farms kill in the name of protecting someone’s vision of the planet (hint: it’s 10’s of thousands annually). You’ve been kind if you read this far.