Meat Wicks (And Other Things I Almost Invented)

Meat Wicks

(And Other Things I Almost Invented)

 

I don’t really have strong feelings about candles one way or the other as I suspect most men do not.  I can concede that they are kind of romantic, but really, if I’m in the mood they don’t do much more for me than a naked 60 watt bulb.  Candles are sort of cool on the table when you have people over for dinner but I’d never think to put them out myself.  And I do like candles at Christmastime as long as you don’t get them too close to the tree.

 

But it occurred to me when I was shopping last Christmas season with my daughter for, among other things, candles for small gifts for my wife that maybe the reason men don’t care much about candles is that they don’t come in scents designed to attract us.  My daughter had me sniffing candle scents such as vanilla, sugar ‘n spice, orange passion and other things that smelled just fine but didn’t really inspire me one way or another.  Naturally, I offered an opinion and employed that shopping skill all males eventually develop which allows them to convince females significant to them that we care and a couple of fragrant candles were selected that were sure to be a hit on Christmas morning.

 

And on the way home from that trip it hit me like an ice cream brain freeze:  there is an untapped market out there for candle sales to fully half the humans on this planet whose interest in said candles is strictly limited to having a few handy in a drawer for use when the power goes out.  But what if they came in meat scents?  Seriously, what guy wouldn’t love to walk into a room and be assaulted by the smell of lasagna but only have had to light a candle and make a sandwich to achieve the desired effect?

 

The list of salable scents is nearly endless but for starters I could lead with the lasagna scent, of course, and add roast turkey, bacon, chili, grilling steak, garlic, pizza, bbq beef, salmon, roast beef and  beer can chicken scented candles.  That last one is two great scents in one candle which could lead to a whole line of dual-scented candles like bourbon steak, maple-flavored sausage, beer brats and broccoli and cheese.  Okay, maybe not that last one.

 

I figure I could even have a premium line of candles for rich people and olfactory snobs featuring scents like prime rib or lobster.  Prime rib would probably just be the roast beef scent relabeled in the premium package since I figure most any part of a cow in the oven at 350 for a couple hours is going to smell pretty much the same. Some people just feel better spending more and believing they are getting an upgrade item, especially if they are going to give that item as a gift.  And in the entrepreneurial spirit that made this country great I want to be there to help them fill that need to believe they are giving the very best, at a premium price of course.

 

Imagine, for example, this touching locker room moment: 

 

“Happy birthday, Josh.”

 

“Holy s**t, it’s a Prime Rib-scented Meat Wick! Thanks, Will.”

 

I know I have some logistical issues to deal with like getting melting wax to smell like French fries (see, there’s another winning scent) and so forth but I would think if you can make candles that smell like berries and cream that other scents shouldn’t be overly difficult.  I’m more concerned with how to market my brainchild.  It has been suggested by potential investors with whom I have shared my idea that the contemporary vehicle of  internet marketing for a product called Meat Wicks might attract an entirely different demographic than the one I am aiming for and could be disappointing for both sales  results and the satisfaction of those making the purchases.

 

You might be surprised that I already have “potential investors”  but at this point they think they are merely my friends and family.  Imagine their delight when I give them the opportunity to buy into this sure money-maker.

 

Anyway, I have decided that I should employ that unoriginal but proven method of home party sales to launch my Meat Wicks.  Just look how well it has worked for Candlelight, Pampered Chef and Mary Kay.  Granted it may be difficult, to say the least, to get men to volunteer to host home parties since we’re all basically lazy.  Not to mention the idea of a touchy-feely party at which products that are not sports-related are passed around for examination and eventual purchase just sounds gay.  (I mean “gay” in the strictly descriptive and politically correct sense as even my homosexual friends think the idea of a candle party for guys only is gay.)

 

But I will cleverly disguise a Meat Wick’s Home Party Format as something else.  This may be sheer genius:  What guy doesn’t occasionally have friends over to watch a sporting event on TV and drink a few beers?  So with that as the hook you just light a Lasagna Meat Wick an hour or so before your buddies come over and probably before the second beers get opened somebody is going to say, “Hey, that lasagna smells great.  When do we eat?”  Do I need to point out that this provides the perfect opportunity to introduce Meat Wicks to your pals and pass around the other scents and the order form?

 

Providing they do not get pissed off that there will be no lasagna at halftime and duct tape you to your recliner this strategy should result in multiple orders, winning the host many valuable prizes and making me rich.

 

I’m already thinking of copy for the catalog.  “Get your runaway dog back without getting up out of your deck chair.” “The perfect gift for those hard-to-buy-for coworkers for the office Christmas gift exchange.” “Don’t send your student off to college without the gift that will always remind him of you.”

 

Imagine how the appropriately scented Meat Wick could enhance any meal and make your guests think you are a better cook than you really are.  Have a friend who insists on bringing over Vietnamese takeout?  No problem.  Light a Big Mac Meat Wick and let your imagination get you through the meal.  Plus my special line of Grilled Meat Scents (you’ll need one of every meat you throw on the grill) will come in Citronella-look-a-like buckets for use on the deck and are sure to make your neighbors jealous.

 

It has even been suggested that Meat Wicks would make great gag gifts but I’m not sure I appreciate that sentiment.

 

Lest you think that this Meat Wick idea is merely the random product of a wandering mind I feel I should point out other ideas I have had that might have been successful.  I am the one who independently thought of The Outdoor Female Plumbing Adapter.  I say independently because research reveals that the concept of a female urination device, or FUD, actually is one with no less than seven patents stretching back to 1922, all of which allow a woman to urinate in the standing position.  One FUD model sold over 100,000 units during its heyday.  Different versions of the device have born names ranging from The Urinelle, The Whizzy, GoGirl, SheWee and The Huikeshoven Medical BV.  (And you doubt the viability of a trade name like Meat Wicks?)

 

A couple FUD websites actually offer some tips on use.  The helpful hints which stood out to me were to always stand with your back to the wind and on another site the advice was to always face downhill.  Both are worthy suggestions but as a decades-long user of a MUD I am aware that there are times when those suggestions are in direct conflict with each other and facing downhill is not always a good idea with a stiff wind in your face although facing directly uphill is never a good idea.  Most MUD users will tell you that by the time beer has become a regular part of your diet you have pretty much instinctively figured out the angles and fine points of finessing urinating standing upright under most meteorological and geological conditions.  Welcome to our world ladies.  You couldn’t have stopped with voting I guess.

 

But the point is I was unaware that anyone else had thought of a female urine conductor when the idea occurred to me on a camping trip when my son and I were experiencing obvious advantages over my wife and daughter to coping with certain bodily functions in the great out of doors.  I think this quite obviously proves that I am capable of having a successful business idea.  Or at least a successful thought.  Besides, I have not seen a design that is exactly the same as mine so I may still patent my OFPA and capitalize on that booming market as well.

 

My original prototype employed a set of tricycle handlebars for securing the apparatus beneath the butt cheeks and behind the thighs of the female subject.  The rest of it was primarily made of about 20” of old rain gutter and about a third of a roll of duct tape.  My wife acknowledged that it was very thoughtful of me to try and be helpful but my daughter refused to use the OFPA and come to think of it I never saw my wife take it into the woods with her when nature called either.  As with many of my great ideas I thought I should think about it for several years before changing career directions.

 

Imagine my surprise then when one day I saw a device similar to my OFPA for sale in an issue of a popular outdoor gear company’s Spring catalog.  That particular device, as I recall, employed a padded rubber handle instead of tricycle handlebars and a piece of pvc pipe cut in half in the appropriate spot and whole beyond that for the rest of it’s 18” length and utilized absolutely no duct tape at all that I could see.  I’m not sure how much to read into the 18-20” length similarities in our 2 designs. All in all I must concede the catalog model looked more aesthetically pleasing than my device but I feel compelled to point out that mine was just a stereotype and my intent was to refine my design into a classy, dishwasher safe version.

 

I’ve thought of other things the world needs as well and following is a short list with patents pending.  Just as soon as I file them.  How about Beer Bottle Nipples or their close cousin The Martini Tippy Cup?  I have designed (kind of) a board game called Name That Hurricane which is similar to Monopoly but with bargain real estate prices.  And I have a terrific idea for a game called Hooker which is not at all what you think but is more reminiscent in both design and rules of the 1970’s parlor game, Twister, only with a picture of a centerfold model on a 36” X 72” mat instead of red, yellow, blue and green dots.  I am also inspired by music and am trying to translate a song library to digital storage for my Cajun Karaoke Machine.  And there is also my pending CD called Songs of The Deep which is eerily similar to whale noises but is instead recordings of noises my intestines make.

 

Of course you can clearly see why I am optimistic about the future of my Meat Wicks enterprise given my history with other inventions.  I’ve even been thinking that Meat Wicks could come in fragrances other than food but it has been strongly suggested by my wife and others that I should wait and see how the initial concept takes off before I try alternative fragrances that would have appeal to a primarily male audience.  I remain confident.