My White Privilege

In case you're wondering I have never walked a mile in a black man's shoes. I have never been black and I have never played a black man on TV. Since the left's president, all prominent black race-baiters, several black college professors all sharing the same village idiot's brain, and CNN have declared that I am racist because I am white and it can be no other way, then fine. I am racist because I was born white. (Somehow that seems like a racist point of view itself but the Associated Press says it's so, so who am I to argue?)

My life is littered with white privilege. Unfortunately, my parents weren't smart enough to sign us up for that part of the white privilege program I keep reading about in the Denver Post where you just get up in the morning and go out in your back yard and fill your wheelbarrow full of the money that fell there overnight because you're white but let me tell you what they were smart enough to do.

They were smart enough to raise me to believe that if you work hard and stick with it you can be whatever you want to be.  Sadly I didn't want to work that hard but I'm ok with what I am. They made sure I understood that results weren't always going to be commensurate with the effort I put out but they would be a lot closer to the desired result than if I put out less effort.

They were smart enough to make sure I understood that opportunity in this great nation exists in abundance but it wasn't going to come looking for me.  I was going to have to go look for it, and again, finding it might not guarantee success but searching for it would guarantee more success than burning down the neighborhood barber shop.

They were smart enough to make sure I understood there is nothing more important than family.  They set an excellent example of marriage and family until my mother's death. I knew who my daddy was, which statistically is a definite privilege of being white. And my dad would never claim he was perfect but I will claim he was a great example of how to live my life by a set of standards and expectations that made me successful and someone people could count on.

My life of privilege in a loving, caring family ensured that I understood that regardless of my own spiritual commitment that the Christian principles on which this nation was founded were rock-solid and as bad as I am at it, I understand that if we all followed The Golden Rule we wouldn't need another one.

My privilege as a family member taught me right from wrong. It taught me there were consequences for bad decisions and that the worst consequence of all was disappointing someone who believed in you.  It also taught me that there was love and acceptance and second chances if I was willing to try.

The privilege of being able to watch my father interact with other people and deal with life's triumphs and failures taught me how a man is supposed to behave and respond and step up. My father taught me that stove tops are hot (much more successfully than my mother's mere warnings), that sweat yields results, that most people are decent, that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar (that's a metaphor you guys), and that you have to do your chores before you go play.

Somewhere along the line they also taught me, though I don't remember a specific conversation, that if a police officer asks you to stop and let him talk to you that doing so is probably more prudent than pointing a gun at him, trying to cut him with a knife or run over him with a car. It's probably even smarter than just fleeing. Oh, and in addition to being smart it is the right thing to do.

A lot of my white privilege has to do with my education on the right thing to do. You help others when you can. You get up and go to work everyday. You take care of your wife and kids. You don't steal stuff or hurt people. Selling illegal drugs as a career choice is a bad idea. You do treat others as you would like to be treated.

And the greatest white privilege of all in my life has been the opportunity to, along with my wonderful white wife, raise my own family and pass along to my own children what I hope is the best I know about how to get through this world with pride and satisfaction and minimal regrets. If how my kids have turned out is any measure of my wife and I we are brilliant. Probably my wife more that me.  Brilliant is not a word used in the same sentence as my name very often. Both my kids are successful, married, white privileged little home owners and I am proud of their loving, caring, successful lives.

One of them is even a police officer.  Not because he really wanted to get into a profession where he could kill all the black people he wanted to but because he believes serving and protecting his community is the right thing to do and he is really, really good at it.

I was unemployed for a year, which I realize is way different than 50 years of generational unemployment and being told there's nothing you can do about it except keep voting for democrats because that's worked out so well.  But never once in that lone year did it occur to me that I ought to set every business in my neighborhood on fire just to let people know it wasn't fair. Never once did it occur to me to throw bricks at cops or march in protest of people who weren't me having stuff I didn't have. And it most especially never occurred to me to vote for Barack Obama.

No, instead my white privilege kicked in and I looked for a job every single day.  When it became clear that my skill set was more common than I thought, or at least that it was available in a younger more affordable version of Executive 2.0, as white as I was then, I was able to lower my sights a bit and take a job at a level I used to supervise.  Seems unfair.  In hindsight I probably should have burned down a liquor store or something but instead I took the job so I could keep my house and provide for my family and I have showed up to work every day since.

I hope there is a black person who can read this and get angry and think they were also raised in a loving and caring family and how dare I think that is uniquely white.  I don't. But in truth, 24% of white kids are born into fatherless homes while 72% of black kids are.  You don't even have to do an Associated Press magical adjustment of the data to figure out that white kids have a tremendous advantage right there.

And I don't know what to do about it.  I'm sorry. But I don't know how to make black families whole.  That's why I hope I can make some, any, even one black person angry enough to yell about this a little.  Go out in the street and do it. Go tell every other black person you know that it doesn't have to be this way.  That being somebody's baby momma is a really bad choice.  That being somebody's baby daddy is really irresponsible.  That if you're going to bring a kid into this world you have an obligation to raise it the best you can.  You don't have to be perfect. You can even be pretty bad at it. Mostly all you have to do is care.

The biggest single factor between young black men in prison and young black men not in prison is that the ones not in prison can identify at least one person they would have disappointed by committing a crime and the ones in prison cannot.

So is it just me or shouldn't it be more intuitive that alleged black leaders should be more about trying to re-establish a little black privilege along the lines of the white privilege that we undeserving oppressors were born into? Why would you not promote dads manning up and being dads over tipping police cars over and setting businesses on fire to express their anger? Why would you not promote trying to improve your situation rather than trying to ruin someone else's?

My white privilege tells me I'd get a new set of leaders, but Hillary may well end up being the next president so what the hell do I know about what an abject loser Barack Obama has been?

I am certain in a lot of ways I am not able to understand how highly the deck is stacked against black culture.  Maybe black people do have to work twice as hard to get half as far. I don't know. But if that's true, so just do it already. Half as far is further than you're going to get playing professional victim. And if you stick around and watch your kid grow up maybe he'll get twice as far as you did and before you know it black people might be too busy succeeding to remember how much they hate white people or vice versa.  I forget whose fault it is now. White people right?

I am beating a dead horse now but I do have one final thought on white privilege and how it is not uniformly applied to all white people.  I cannot golf worth shit which seems grossly unfair.  Every thing about me is white except the way I swing a golf club.  Why? Bill Clinton posted good scores although it is fairly accepted he cheated (SHOCKER!). Barack Obama is rumored to be a pretty good golfer and he is only 1/2 white (oh, yes he is).  Maybe I just need to practice as much as Obama does but God help my fat white derriere, I just can't see myself spending as much time doing anything as much as Obama does golfing.

Make America Great Again

I am writing this at the request of a friend so I know that while some of your will want to scream and break your own stuff and lovingly wish me dead, there will also be some of you who will cheer me on (silently so no one screams at you, breaks your stuff or lovingly wishes you dead for disagreeing with them) and some of you who may appreciate the opinion and maybe change yours as a result.  Maybe.

If you've already made up your mind that Hillary Clinton is this nation's fairy godmother and that that little incident in Benghazi doesn't make any difference now; that that little email thing was just an innocent and inconsequential mistake; that the Clinton foundation is a totally transparent charitable organization completely on the up-and-up and dedicated to spreading love and joy across the globe and nothing else; that Whitewater never happened; that Hillary does know the secrets to fixing the economy (what? It's broken?) and healing a "post-racial" America and she just thought it would be clever not to share those answers with Barry; that she knew nothing of the primary rigged against Bernie Sanders; and that lots of people know 100 folks who could have testified against them if they hadn't died under the most bizarre set of circumstances imaginable (insert liberal eye-roll here) then you're probably better off just picking out that porcelain coffee mug you've been thinking of getting rid of anyway and getting started hoping my grandchildren are born with tails.

If you're in the camp that is terrified she may be the next president but you don't know how to get the taste out of your mouth by supporting a billionaire seemingly dedicated to shooting himself in the foot on a daily basis and saying things in such a non-presidential manner that he makes Gerald Ford and George W look like masterful orators then please just consider a few things.  First of all I'm not going to tell you not to believe your lying eyes and ears, but please don't believe the interpretation of Trump's words by the Obama Press (AP), MSNBC, CNN, The New York Slime or The Washington Joke (Post).  The Donald says a lot of stupid stuff. But it is true that many of the people crossing the Mexican border are criminals that Mexico would rather see here than there.  It just might be a good idea to develop a more sound strategy than the current eeny, meenie, miney, mo one we're using for vetting Syrian refugees before we let ISIS supporters sneak into our country (see France, Germany, Belgium, et al and shut up). And yes, his current wife is way prettier than anyone in the Clinton family tree, although I'm not sure why that's a crime.  Oh, and yes, some of his companies have made use of (exploited) foreign factories and workers for fun and profit.  If you're going to be a billionaire you play by the rules the other billionaires play by on the playing field we created (read, the highest corporate taxes in the world domestically).

All true and more if you think Don Lemon matters.

But without spinning this into an endless debate that will have us all chasing our tails and throwing statistics at each other--real ones and "adjusted data" (I love that term), here's what I (and lots of others, believe it or not) think:

If Donald Trump is president our borders will be more secure. Maybe he gets the wall built, maybe he doesn't. I don't care. I just want a president who is as worried as I am about border security and our current lack thereof.

If Donald Trump is president the economy will improve. More jobs will be created. Standards of living will increase. Economic hope will abound.  Don't waste your breath trying to convince me that Hillary Clinton has any better idea of how to increase jobs than B Obama had and that a billionaire with over 10,000 employees does not.

Our military will become strong again.  I have heard it said by guys who know a lot more about it than I do that we could not win a war on two fronts right now. We would have lost World War II if it were fought today. Russia-China. Iran-North Korea. Pick your nightmare. We need to quit apologizing for having been the mightiest nation on earth and become that again. How much more stable would the world be had it not been for the Arab Spring, the development of  ISIS (yes, I do blame Obama for that) and the re-emergence of Russia as an international military threat?

Our cities will become safe again. Our federal government has all but funded the most racist, hateful organization formed in this country since the KKK--blacklivesmatter.  Crime has risen by double digits in every major city in the country since the myth that was Michael Brown. Rudy Guiliani's Broken Windows Policy and its many permutations throughout the country worked. We enjoyed two decades of the safest streets we have known since before the 60's and then the most racially divisive, fairy-tale spewing president in the history of this country allowed it/encouraged it to be unsafe to go to an ATM machine without an armed escort in most urban areas. Thousands of men, women and children are dying in the streets of JUST CHICAGO every year because of unenforced gun laws, decline of anything resembling a healthy family culture, the propagated myths of victimization and a secret war on blacks (but not Asians or Latinos) by cops and now, reluctance of cops to help the areas that need them most lest they be accused of participating in Barack Obama's imaginary war. Trump will support law enforcement's effort to make us safe again rather than create a DOJ that will actively and willingly attempt prosecution on the barest of hearsay and lack of facts of police officers just trying to do their jobs.  Go ahead--adjust some data and keep living in your fantasy world if you'd like.

If Trump is president we will add conservative Supreme Court justices. If he is not we won't. I don't care if he tells you every child will get a free winged-unicorn, imagine a few decades with the Supreme Court H Clinton will seat. Do you even want to be alive to see it?

Veterans will convert to a voucher system rather than continue to rely on a VA that has gotten so large and bureaucratic it is ineffective at almost all levels save creating government jobs for incompetent adminstrators. It won't cost us as much as the current VA system and vets will be able to get the care they need.

Education may also convert to a voucher system if Trump can get it through Congress. Imagine the freedom to send your child to a school of your choosing rather than the one you are zoned into because you may be unfortunate enough to live in a neighborhood that doesn't attract teachers who are worth a darn.

Obamacare can become something that works instead of the colossal-soon-to-be-a-total-failure we are experiencing as we see what was in the bill we passed.  I am so sick of the media saying the Republicans never had a plan for improving health care and even sicker of liberals who believe it.  I still like McCain's proposed plan the best but I'd have settled for Romney's. I am certain Donald Trump can improve on it because almost anyone could.

Is Trump knowledgeable enough to manage all aspects of the federal government by himself? Of course not.  He wouldn't be able to manage all aspects of his multi-billion dollar businesses by himself. What he knows how to do is surround himself with people who do have expertise in a given area and you don't amass the fortune he has amassed by not listening to them and making stupid decisions.  I have faith (yup, I said it) that he will run the country in much the same manner, no matter how maddening his shoot from the hip speaking style is at getting him negative headlines.

I was so encouraged when this round of Presidential Jeopardy started by the fact that Trump, Sanders and others who were completely outside the realm of Washington's power-brokered stranglehold on politics became the immediate frontrunners. Trump wasn't my first choice either and--surprise--Bernie was my last choice, but I was encouraged by the fact it appeared America was angry and fed up with politics as usual and we might be ready to hit the reset button and....Make America Great Again.

I still believe that is possible and I hope it is so.  The current media drivel about Trump polling poorly, blah, blah, blah doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. How many times did they write him off in the Republican primary process only to eventually see him win the nomination with more votes than ever in history.  The headlines of all the Republican nonsupporters should point as clearly as anything to the fear in Washington of the political gravy train becoming the political whirlwind. The polls that show Hillary leading in popularity make me think that if she indeed wins, and she certainly could, that this country will surely get exactly what it deserves. And I think that is the opposite of greatness. 

Most of us have already made our minds up.  If you haven't yet, take your responsibility seriously this fall and vote. You could be the difference between four more years of this (if Obama was so great why are the liberals so upset about the state of things?) and Making America Great Again.

Meat Wicks (And Other Things I Almost Invented)

Meat Wicks

(And Other Things I Almost Invented)

 

I don’t really have strong feelings about candles one way or the other as I suspect most men do not.  I can concede that they are kind of romantic, but really, if I’m in the mood they don’t do much more for me than a naked 60 watt bulb.  Candles are sort of cool on the table when you have people over for dinner but I’d never think to put them out myself.  And I do like candles at Christmastime as long as you don’t get them too close to the tree.

 

But it occurred to me when I was shopping last Christmas season with my daughter for, among other things, candles for small gifts for my wife that maybe the reason men don’t care much about candles is that they don’t come in scents designed to attract us.  My daughter had me sniffing candle scents such as vanilla, sugar ‘n spice, orange passion and other things that smelled just fine but didn’t really inspire me one way or another.  Naturally, I offered an opinion and employed that shopping skill all males eventually develop which allows them to convince females significant to them that we care and a couple of fragrant candles were selected that were sure to be a hit on Christmas morning.

 

And on the way home from that trip it hit me like an ice cream brain freeze:  there is an untapped market out there for candle sales to fully half the humans on this planet whose interest in said candles is strictly limited to having a few handy in a drawer for use when the power goes out.  But what if they came in meat scents?  Seriously, what guy wouldn’t love to walk into a room and be assaulted by the smell of lasagna but only have had to light a candle and make a sandwich to achieve the desired effect?

 

The list of salable scents is nearly endless but for starters I could lead with the lasagna scent, of course, and add roast turkey, bacon, chili, grilling steak, garlic, pizza, bbq beef, salmon, roast beef and  beer can chicken scented candles.  That last one is two great scents in one candle which could lead to a whole line of dual-scented candles like bourbon steak, maple-flavored sausage, beer brats and broccoli and cheese.  Okay, maybe not that last one.

 

I figure I could even have a premium line of candles for rich people and olfactory snobs featuring scents like prime rib or lobster.  Prime rib would probably just be the roast beef scent relabeled in the premium package since I figure most any part of a cow in the oven at 350 for a couple hours is going to smell pretty much the same. Some people just feel better spending more and believing they are getting an upgrade item, especially if they are going to give that item as a gift.  And in the entrepreneurial spirit that made this country great I want to be there to help them fill that need to believe they are giving the very best, at a premium price of course.

 

Imagine, for example, this touching locker room moment: 

 

“Happy birthday, Josh.”

 

“Holy s**t, it’s a Prime Rib-scented Meat Wick! Thanks, Will.”

 

I know I have some logistical issues to deal with like getting melting wax to smell like French fries (see, there’s another winning scent) and so forth but I would think if you can make candles that smell like berries and cream that other scents shouldn’t be overly difficult.  I’m more concerned with how to market my brainchild.  It has been suggested by potential investors with whom I have shared my idea that the contemporary vehicle of  internet marketing for a product called Meat Wicks might attract an entirely different demographic than the one I am aiming for and could be disappointing for both sales  results and the satisfaction of those making the purchases.

 

You might be surprised that I already have “potential investors”  but at this point they think they are merely my friends and family.  Imagine their delight when I give them the opportunity to buy into this sure money-maker.

 

Anyway, I have decided that I should employ that unoriginal but proven method of home party sales to launch my Meat Wicks.  Just look how well it has worked for Candlelight, Pampered Chef and Mary Kay.  Granted it may be difficult, to say the least, to get men to volunteer to host home parties since we’re all basically lazy.  Not to mention the idea of a touchy-feely party at which products that are not sports-related are passed around for examination and eventual purchase just sounds gay.  (I mean “gay” in the strictly descriptive and politically correct sense as even my homosexual friends think the idea of a candle party for guys only is gay.)

 

But I will cleverly disguise a Meat Wick’s Home Party Format as something else.  This may be sheer genius:  What guy doesn’t occasionally have friends over to watch a sporting event on TV and drink a few beers?  So with that as the hook you just light a Lasagna Meat Wick an hour or so before your buddies come over and probably before the second beers get opened somebody is going to say, “Hey, that lasagna smells great.  When do we eat?”  Do I need to point out that this provides the perfect opportunity to introduce Meat Wicks to your pals and pass around the other scents and the order form?

 

Providing they do not get pissed off that there will be no lasagna at halftime and duct tape you to your recliner this strategy should result in multiple orders, winning the host many valuable prizes and making me rich.

 

I’m already thinking of copy for the catalog.  “Get your runaway dog back without getting up out of your deck chair.” “The perfect gift for those hard-to-buy-for coworkers for the office Christmas gift exchange.” “Don’t send your student off to college without the gift that will always remind him of you.”

 

Imagine how the appropriately scented Meat Wick could enhance any meal and make your guests think you are a better cook than you really are.  Have a friend who insists on bringing over Vietnamese takeout?  No problem.  Light a Big Mac Meat Wick and let your imagination get you through the meal.  Plus my special line of Grilled Meat Scents (you’ll need one of every meat you throw on the grill) will come in Citronella-look-a-like buckets for use on the deck and are sure to make your neighbors jealous.

 

It has even been suggested that Meat Wicks would make great gag gifts but I’m not sure I appreciate that sentiment.

 

Lest you think that this Meat Wick idea is merely the random product of a wandering mind I feel I should point out other ideas I have had that might have been successful.  I am the one who independently thought of The Outdoor Female Plumbing Adapter.  I say independently because research reveals that the concept of a female urination device, or FUD, actually is one with no less than seven patents stretching back to 1922, all of which allow a woman to urinate in the standing position.  One FUD model sold over 100,000 units during its heyday.  Different versions of the device have born names ranging from The Urinelle, The Whizzy, GoGirl, SheWee and The Huikeshoven Medical BV.  (And you doubt the viability of a trade name like Meat Wicks?)

 

A couple FUD websites actually offer some tips on use.  The helpful hints which stood out to me were to always stand with your back to the wind and on another site the advice was to always face downhill.  Both are worthy suggestions but as a decades-long user of a MUD I am aware that there are times when those suggestions are in direct conflict with each other and facing downhill is not always a good idea with a stiff wind in your face although facing directly uphill is never a good idea.  Most MUD users will tell you that by the time beer has become a regular part of your diet you have pretty much instinctively figured out the angles and fine points of finessing urinating standing upright under most meteorological and geological conditions.  Welcome to our world ladies.  You couldn’t have stopped with voting I guess.

 

But the point is I was unaware that anyone else had thought of a female urine conductor when the idea occurred to me on a camping trip when my son and I were experiencing obvious advantages over my wife and daughter to coping with certain bodily functions in the great out of doors.  I think this quite obviously proves that I am capable of having a successful business idea.  Or at least a successful thought.  Besides, I have not seen a design that is exactly the same as mine so I may still patent my OFPA and capitalize on that booming market as well.

 

My original prototype employed a set of tricycle handlebars for securing the apparatus beneath the butt cheeks and behind the thighs of the female subject.  The rest of it was primarily made of about 20” of old rain gutter and about a third of a roll of duct tape.  My wife acknowledged that it was very thoughtful of me to try and be helpful but my daughter refused to use the OFPA and come to think of it I never saw my wife take it into the woods with her when nature called either.  As with many of my great ideas I thought I should think about it for several years before changing career directions.

 

Imagine my surprise then when one day I saw a device similar to my OFPA for sale in an issue of a popular outdoor gear company’s Spring catalog.  That particular device, as I recall, employed a padded rubber handle instead of tricycle handlebars and a piece of pvc pipe cut in half in the appropriate spot and whole beyond that for the rest of it’s 18” length and utilized absolutely no duct tape at all that I could see.  I’m not sure how much to read into the 18-20” length similarities in our 2 designs. All in all I must concede the catalog model looked more aesthetically pleasing than my device but I feel compelled to point out that mine was just a stereotype and my intent was to refine my design into a classy, dishwasher safe version.

 

I’ve thought of other things the world needs as well and following is a short list with patents pending.  Just as soon as I file them.  How about Beer Bottle Nipples or their close cousin The Martini Tippy Cup?  I have designed (kind of) a board game called Name That Hurricane which is similar to Monopoly but with bargain real estate prices.  And I have a terrific idea for a game called Hooker which is not at all what you think but is more reminiscent in both design and rules of the 1970’s parlor game, Twister, only with a picture of a centerfold model on a 36” X 72” mat instead of red, yellow, blue and green dots.  I am also inspired by music and am trying to translate a song library to digital storage for my Cajun Karaoke Machine.  And there is also my pending CD called Songs of The Deep which is eerily similar to whale noises but is instead recordings of noises my intestines make.

 

Of course you can clearly see why I am optimistic about the future of my Meat Wicks enterprise given my history with other inventions.  I’ve even been thinking that Meat Wicks could come in fragrances other than food but it has been strongly suggested by my wife and others that I should wait and see how the initial concept takes off before I try alternative fragrances that would have appeal to a primarily male audience.  I remain confident.